Since I Been Loving You
by TorvaldsDoll
Summary: 100 word bits regarding Finchel in Season 2, as it goes along, as Finchel goes along. Spoilers.
1. OUR NIGHT MOVES

He imagined things going differently once she became his. His hand up her skirt, his tongue down her throat, in the back of a chilly movie theater. Taking off her bikini top as they swam under a warm July moon. Sex in his bedroom on an August day when his mom was at work. He imagined erasing all memories of Jesse St. Jerk-Off from her body and mind. He imagined erasing his lingering shame and guilt from that one stupid hour with Santana Lopez.

Rachel had other ideas - her own. And he learned the meaning of the word controllist.


	2. WHAT I DID

She comes back from the auditorium and tells the team the truth, the one he drew from her in the hallway. He knows it's hard but she's used to making impassioned speeches to these people. She's earnest and they can all tell it. Then Brittany says Sunshine Corazon looked like a turtle and the image of Sunshine munching lettuce pops into his head until Rachel comes over, looking at him shyly, wondering if she did okay. He forgets all about Sunshine and pulls Rachel onto his lap, slowly rubbing her back the way he knows calms her and assures her.


	3. DARLING, YOU'RE THE ONLY

He has to look away for a moment before he starts to cry right here in front of everyone. The tears stick in his throat. He doesn't have to speak, though, not right now. The last note of her love song to him fades. He stands, his chair scraping tile, and she's in his arms, his face buried in her hair. Maybe the rest of New Directions is clapping for her, maybe they aren't, he doesn't know. All he knows is the girl in his arms. All he knows is that he loves her and only her, no matter what.


	4. TEAM RACHEL

The Team Finn t-shirt was embarrassing, he's not gonna lie. Back then, when his head was so far up his ass he could see what he had for breakfast, her love felt like fifteen lead blankets piled on top of him. That shirt made him feel like a deer in headlights, not a rockstar in spotlights.

But when she shows up to school with his name in gold letters at the base of her throat, he kisses her where she stands, right in the middle of the hallway, hardly hearing Karovsky shout something brainless at them as he lumbers by.


	5. CHOOSING MY CONFESSIONS

"Are you really gonna wait til you're twenty-five to have sex?" he blurts in the silence that follows his mailman moment. She said not to be embarrassed but he is. She tugs her blue sweater over her boobs and rolls away, but doesn't leave his bed.

"I want to wait until I'm sure you're not going to break my heart. I have to protect myself, no matter how much I love you. I've been hurt before."

His head buzzes, his heart aches. But he gets it. Jesse hurt her. Hehurt her, no better.

"I'll wait forever for you, Rachel."


	6. YES THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING, MERCEDES

"Is Jesus okay with this, Finn?"

He peels back her black cape thingy so he can kiss her shoulder. "What, making out?"

"I meant our duet." Her finger tugs a little on the white dog collar attached to his shirt.

He's not sure how to explain how lame he feels for believing in the superpowers of a burned sandwich made from processed cheese and Wonderbread. "Um, it's for a good cause, right?"

"True." She kisses him. "Maybe we should change our choreography. I'm pretty sure if you touch my boobs when we perform it for Mr. Schue, we'll get expelled."


	7. DRESS YOU UP IN MY LOVE

Mom likes the drapey collared grey sweater Rachel picked out _so much_ that she gives Rachel two hundred bucks and tells her to take him shopping.

He waits in the dressing room, half-naked. Rachel returns with shirts. Is this how it's gonna be from now on, Rachel choosing his clothes? Mom the first seventeen years, Rach the next seventy?

Whoa. Heavy.

Rachel's blushing, looking at his bare chest. That's awesome. She comes in, shuts the door behind her. God, he loves her.

He thinks he can be cool with her picking out his clothes for the rest of his life.


	8. CAN YOU HEAR THEM? THEY TALK ABOUT US

"This week, they've been color-coordinated three of four days. Last week, it was five for five. They're becoming the same. It's creepy."

"I know. Now he's just as nuts as she is. That Catholic slow jam nightmare? They looked insane."

"When Mr. Schue announced Puck was in juvie, remember what he said?"

"'We need his bad boy stage presence!' Who _talks_ like that? Rachel."

"She made my dad vegan cookies. Creepy."

They fall silent behind him. He should tell them he's awake. He doesn't. He fakes a snore.

"I want to be in love," Mercedes sighs.

Kurt sighs. "Damn them."


	9. COMMENT POUVEZ VOUS DIRE

He forgot his textbooks so he _can't_ do homework, therefore they should make out, he reasons. Wrong. She sits in his chair, studies her French verbs. "_Se fâcher_. To be annoyed."

He whines.

"_D'ignorer_. To ignore."

He pouts. Then plays video games. With the sound off, she notes.

But soon she's studying him, not verbs. His profile. Neck, back, arms. His hands. She gravitates to him. Sits behind him, arms around him, face pressed against his back. He pauses the game.

"_De continuer à_. To continue."

He does. She studies his scent and shoulder instead of French verbs.

_Á__ l'amour_.


	10. FAITHFULLY

It's her cousin's wedding so he's wearing the little round hat. Rachel stares at her cousin's poofy dress. The groom looks nervous. Finn would be, too, but also excited. Because Rachel would be amazing in such a dress.

The rabbi chants - it sounds like Klingon. Soon though - listening, the words like music, the bride and groom holding hands, Rachel's hand in his, dusty sunlight falling through high windows - something fills him. Powerful, like the ocean, like Rachel's voice.

It fills him so much he's _crying_. So wussy. But he can't stop. Is it just love? Maybe it's God.


	11. OH BRAD, I'M MAD

The girls behind her in French class talk about her boyfriend like he's a piece of meat. Now Rachel knows how Finn felt when the boys ogled her Britney look. Jealous, pissed. Only _she_ should see him in his underwear!

That he's going to perform for the whole school in only undies is irrelevant. That's _art_, that's _the stage_. Entirely different.

These harpies got to her see her man in his (reportedly baggy) manties and she hasn't even seen him sans shirt. NOT. FAIR. She grips her pink gel pen tight and vows to rectify the situation - _tonight._


	12. ALL I WANNA DO IS MAKE LOVE TO YOU

He shifts in his sleep. His shirt rises a little. She sees the trail of hair leading under his jeans. She gets warm, thinking about where it leads. She _does_ want to go there. She does. He _loves_ her, she _loves_ him, it feels _forever. _But she's scared. She just is. Maybe that's stupid. And if they do it...he'll discover her big lie. She feels _so_ _stupid_.

She touches his bare belly, tentative. He grunts in his sleep. Is it weird that noise makes her secret areas tingle?

He's waking slowly. She scoots away, feigns sleep. Feels stupider than ever.


	13. PRIAPISM

He should feel weird talking to Sam about downshifting when Quinn plays no-touchy-feely, about how he used to play that game with her. That's weird, right? He should feel...mad. Awkward. _Something_.

He doesn't.

He thought he'd _never_ be over the pain when Quinn ripped his guts out, that he'd _always_ feel like shit. Now he can talk to Sam about it and think of Rachel smiling coyly, her lips swollen from kisses, and nothing hurts.

So the only thing to feel weird about is talking to Sam while hanging out half-naked in tubs, looking like the world's gayest Cialis ad.


	14. FUCK ME

Where did she get those boots? _Where did she get those boots_? She's on her knees, singing, flinging her hair around. _Fuck. _WHERE DID SHE GET THOSE BOOTS? Please, sweet Grilled Cheesus, please let those be new boots, not _borrowed_. Please let him find those in her closet next to her flats and her pink Converse. _Please_. Please for the love of god he has to fuck her and she won't let him and he is going to _DIE_. Mailman. Mailman. Mail fucking man. _Mailmanmailmanmailman! _Shit. Boots. Fuck. Rachel fuckbootsRachelfuckgodRachel BIESTE'S GIANT WEDGIE!

Sorry, baby.


	15. RIVALIGION

He claps as Ohio takes the lead over Michigan. Beside him on the couch, Rachel's not watching, staring at her laptop. He peeks. "What is _that_?"

"University of Michigan theater program website. I'm adding them to my list. It's an excellent-"

"_They're evil_ _Satanists, you can't go there!_" That was loud. But heartfelt.

She rolls her eyes. "I'm not compromising my education for some ridiculous football rivalry."

"It's _religion_!" He stares, she stares, unrelenting. He's _not_ backing down - no, sir! "What about New York?"

"Options. In case things don't work out as _intended_." Her eyes narrow.

Wait. Does she mean him? In case things don't work out with _him_? His teeth grind. "Fine. Go to Michigan. But we're raising our kids Buckeye fans, dammit."

She kisses his cheek. "Yes, dear."

* * *

**A/N: Go Blue.**


	16. A QUESTION OF TIME

They sit on the floor while Schue rehearses the others' choreography. He watches, holding Rachel in his arms, enjoying the feel of her. Then he sees it. Santana eyeing them. Sneering. Predatory. He doesn't know why Santana hasn't yet spilled to Rachel his Big Fat Horrible Lie. He's been waiting for it. He should intercept it. But he's scared. Real damn scared. But... There's no _reason_ why she'd have to tell Rachel, _right_?

Shit. It's _Santana._ She doesn't need _reasons_.

He buries his face in Rachel's hair, knowing he doesn't deserve her. Knowing he's gonna lose her again. But when?


	17. IT WOULD TASTE LIKE STRAWBERRY CREAM

He knows:

1. People don't understand why he loves Rachel.

2. Rachel is crazy, selfish, hot.

3. She protects her soft, sweet soul under a selfish, thorny shell. She, too, is nougatty.

4. He's partially responsible for that shell.

5. He's making up for it.

He doesn't know:

1. State capitals.

2. How long it will take to soften her shell so everyone can see what he loves.

3. How glee club can afford an exploding light display for Rachel's rehearsal with Miss Holiday.

4. How to convince Rachel and Miss Holiday to make out, but that would be _AWESOME_.


	18. WE'LL GRIND THAT AXE FOR A LONG TIME

"Every song that comes on, say why it reminds you of me."

He grins. "You do know I'm the only person in the world who'll play this game with you."

"Jesse used to."

He stops grinning.

She apologizes. Kisses him. He says he's fine - lie. They listen to the iPod – in silence. Madonna comes on. "This song reminds me of you because in glee you wanted to do Pantera, not Madonna. I didn't know their _oeuvre_ so I watched YouTube to learn why you like them. I was secretly dating Jesse at the time, but...it was you I loved. Always."

He grins.


	19. RELEARN AGAIN WHAT I ALREADY TAUGHT YOU

_**8:37pm:**__ Plz talk 2me_

_**8:41pm:**__ Can i explain?_

**8:49pm:** No need. You're STILL a scared little boy. You're STILL worried about your reputation & being "popular", no matter what!

_**8:50pm:**__ Im trying 2b a leder_

**8:51pm:** Then BE ONE! Stand up like one! After everything, u never LEARN ANYTHING! Grow up.

**8:58pm:** Stop calling. Make this right w/ Kurt. He's going 2b your BROTHER.

_**8:59pm:**__ Ok i will_

**9:00pm:** HOW?

_**9:04pm:**__ Dont kno but i WILL i PROMISE rach._

**9:06pm:** I don't want to have this conversation again ok?

_**9:07pm:**__ Ok. I love you_

**9:10pm:** ILY2 goodnite.

_**9:11pm:**__ Goodnite xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxxxxxxx_


	20. FAIR AND BALANCED

In glee, they watch a video about bullying. It talks about verbal bullying. Verbal bullying... Like people telling Rachel she has a horrible personality. Like people convincing Rachel to dress like a sad clown hooker. He gets peeved. He writes in his notebook, shows it to Rachel: "Kurt bullies you. How is that different from Karofsky?" Her eyes get _huge_ - like she's realizing it for the first time. "He should say sorry. You always do!"

She thinks, frowning. Then leans over, whispering, her hand finding his, "Maybe you can teach him to apologize. That's what big brothers are for."


	21. KINNFURT HUDMELSON

Kurt and Rachel glue flowers to napkin rings. Finn catches her eye and she comes over. "How's the speech?" His paper's blank. "Sure you don't want help?"

"To be a leader, a big brother, I gotta find my own words." She says she's proud. He kisses her.

"Finchel!" Kurt barks. "These flowers won't hot-glue themselves! Carol deserves _perfect_ napkin rings at her wedding, dammit!" Kurt's gone full bridezilla but it's awesome how much he cares about mom. Brother from another mother, literally.

"Did you just call us _Finchel_? Sounds like a pastry."

Then - inspiration strikes like pie to the face! He grabs his pencil, starts to write.


	22. THE NAME OF LOVE

Rachel Barbra Berry. Her.

Rachel Barbra Berry Hudson. Who she's going to be.

Mrs. Rachel Barbra Berry-Hudson. Formal, lots of words. Is the hyphen necessary?

Mrs. Rachel Hudson. Simple.

Mrs. Hudson. Not enough _her_.

Rachel Hudson. Maybe too simple?

Rachel Berry-Hudson. Hmmm... That's pretty nice.

Rachel Berry Hudson. No hyphen?

Mrs. Finn Hudson. Is eighteen too young to get married?

Mrs. Rachel Berry-Hudson. Mrs. Rachel Berry-Hudson. Has a good ring to it.

Rachel Berry-Hudson Rachel Berry-Hudson Rachel Berry-Hudson. She can easily sign that over and over on her fans' Playbills.

Mr. Finn Berry. Finnberry. Sounds like a muffin. Her _stud-muffin_.


	23. AT LAST

"Let's have sex."

His heart stops. Her eyes are shining, blurry. "I'd say yes if you're weren't drunk."

"I'mnahdrunk!" She lets go of him and steps back, landing on her ass. He laughs - too much reception champagne for him, too. He pulls her up. They keep dancing, slowly, her arms beneath his tuxedo jacket. "Maybe I am. You're right, let's wait. Love you!" She's _soooo_ drunk. "But soon, Finn. I'm not scared anymore. Your heart's beating fast." It is - for _her_, his brave girl, but also _not_, for though he pretends he's a leader, he knows he's still a coward.


	24. WORST GREEN ROOM EVER

And suddenly they're _screaming_ at each other in the green room when before she wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't look at him, and before, in Miss Uselessbury's office, he said all the _wrong_ things because he was cornered and scared, but he _wanted_ to say everything differently, he _wanted_ to explain it right, like he imagined he would, but she didn't give him a chance and now he's fed up, _screaming_, and he can't even remember why this _matters_, why does this have to _matter_ so much, _Santana doesn't_ _matter_, _why can't Rachel get that through her thick shiny-haired skull_?


	25. IT'S AN INSULT, REALLY

He stares at the back of the curtain. Quinn and Sam sing that song from that dancing movie his mom still has on VHS. He knows what they're doing – walking down the aisles gazing all meaningfully at each other, meeting on the stage. Yeah BEEN THERE DONE THAT BETTER! Regionals, Mr. Schue, remember that? It makes him sick, actually. That performance...those moves...those are _his and Rachel's_. That day felt like the beginning of the rest of his life. Now Ken and Barbie are stealing their act? God, today _sucks ass_. It feels like the last day of his life.


	26. THE CALM

She catches up to him in the hallway. They walk, silent. She mentions Saturday, how it was weird. It was. Very. "And then to _tie_?" she laughs.

"Lame."

"Totally. Anticlimactic." She looks up, reads him instantly. "Disappointing, sorta."

They slow on the stairs, silent again. He thinks the only thing that wasn't weird about Saturday was when they hugged after the tie was announced. That felt like the _least_ weird thing ever. He wants to say that. But she's talking again.

"When we first started glee club, I told Mr. Schuester that being part of something special makes you special..."


	27. THE AFTERMATH

her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault and she doesn't know how to fix it this time


	28. BACK IN BLACK

He hates her. He _hates_ her. He loves her so much that he _HATES_ her. He's gonna fuck Santana again and make sure Rachel _knows_ it. He wants her to see him do it. He wants to see Rachel's face while he shoves his fat dick in that skinny bitch. He wants to see pain. He wants to see her breaking into a million pieces. Fuck her! _Fuck you Rachel I'm gonna fuck Santana._ He wants her to hurt. _Fuck her_. Hurt her fuck her fuck her hurt her fuck her hurt her fuck her for making him this way!


	29. SINCE I BEEN LOVING YOU

He's cried himself out. He lays on his bed, exhausted, emptied. His brain won't shut up. He finds his iPod. Cranks it full blast. Fills his head. Tries to escape.

"_Everybody trying to tell me that you didn't mean me no good. I've been trying, Lord, let me tell you. Let me tell you I really did the best I could. _

"_Said I've been crying... My tears they fell like rain. Don't you hear them? Don't you hear them falling? _

"_Baby, since I've been loving you, I'm about to lose my worried mind..."_

But every song reminds him of her.


	30. 11 UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1. Life sucks. Then you die.

2. Barbra Streisand is the most important person in history.

3. No one has her back.

4. She won't change for those _jerks_.

5. She can't change for a boy, either.

6. She has to change for _herself_.

7. Santana is a soulless snakewhorebitch and sings like someone's ripping out her extensions.

8. She's not a violent person. But...

9. She wants to fight Santana. _Fight_ her. Kick her ass. HARD.

10. _Krav maga_ classes are the best $150 she's ever spent – great workout, ass-kicking lessons, _and _stress-relief!

11. She's not giving up.


	31. MY NEXT GIRL WON'T BE LIKE MY EXGIRL

He walks with Santana to glee. She's yapping about reputation. He's reasoning with himself: Santana's not _so_ bad. She can sing. In a screechy way. She's super-hot - all the guys check her out. She smells nice. Her perfume is _super_ strong, though - it makes him cough. She's mean as hell, yeah, but so is Rachel; if he's gonna get treated shitty, he may as well get laid. She's slutty but at least she's _honest_ about it. What else? Hmm... She likes to play X-Box.

The best thing about her, to be honest? He could never ever love her.


	32. THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

She wanders the mall. She finished holiday shopping for her family last week, but she's one present short. What do you get the boy who has broken your heart whose heart you broke? Ochocinco poster? A sweater? Scarf? Socks the moon a thousand voicemails saying "I love you, let's work on us" a puppy I'm-sorry cookies an essay on why, from her perspective, she's not _wholly_ at fault even if she _is. What_?

Victoria's Secret has the answer:

Her virginity.

Good idea. He'd take it.

But...

She'd be no better than Santana. Or Quinn. She has to respect herself more.

She wanders on.


	33. BUT YOU STILL CATCH MY EYE

Last Christmas, he gave Rachel something he grabbed at Walgreen's on his way to pick her up for a date at...wherever; he can't remember. He can't remember what he gave her – a reindeer something-or-other. He _does_ remember the way she smiled and hugged him tight, like it was a diamond necklace. Like it was precious.

This Christmas, he sees stuff _everywhere_, all the time - calendar of Broadway posters; candles from Pottery Barn that smell like her; Ochocinco poster. A pretty necklace with a star, a tiny diamond set inside it.

He's not even _looking_.

But he can't stop seeing.


	34. SANTA HAS A TARDIS CUZ HE'S A TIMELORD

He gives her a ride home from the tree lot but the trip is silent, awful. He doesn't turn on the radio; it might lead to singing, she figures. She stares at snow flurries hitting the windshield, the flakes melting on the glass. He feels like a _stranger_ now, sitting next to her a million miles away. They took Santa's sleigh back in time to sophomore year when she was trying _way_ too hard to get his attention and he never knew what to say to her. Where did the last year go? It's melted away like the snow on his windshield.


	35. PICTURES TELL A THOUSAND WORDS

How screwed up is he? He's cleaning his room without being told to. Jesus.

He find a pink envelop under a stack of unused schoolbooks. He remembers what's in it – photos of him and Rachel. She printed a bunch from her computer and gave them to him after she apologized for asking him to quit football. He looked through them once, then they were on the floor under the books for the last two months, forgotten. Ignored.

He drops into his armchair, cleaning suddenly forgotten. God, what was it he said? _I've had two girlfriends and both of them have cheated on me._

Well shit. Did he ever stop to wonder _why_?


	36. BYE BYE BIRDIE

She can't sleep. She can't escape the notion that he still loves her. She can't forget _he_ kissed _her_ as much as _she_ kissed _him_. She can't ignore him pushing her away. She can't stop feeling sick at the idea he'd give his love to someone else, someone more special. She can't forget what she said months ago, that she has to open her hands, let him fly free, not strangle him. Yet she can't stop a small, bitter grin at the thought of bloody _strangling_ him. She cannot just_ give up_...but she can't keep trying to hold onto him.


	37. THE GIFT OF THE BERRY

He has no idea why Ms. Sylvester of all people wanted to bring Mr. Schue a Christmas tree, but nobody's fighting and an eight-foot hoagie is coming, so all is calm and bright on this Christmas Eve. So much so that when he catches Rachel's eye across the tree, for a moment it doesn't matter what she did, how he's bruised - he just _loves_ her. Of _course_ he does, but...things are tough.

She looks away, carries on with decorating. No tears, no intensity, no throwing herself at him. Giving him space, time, breath - gifts he needs right now.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks to 15poundspurebunny for this chapter's plot bunny. So to speak.**


	38. THAT STUPID NEW YEARS EVE SONG IS STUPID

They run into each other in Kroger's chips-n-soda aisle. He's got Doritos. She wants Baked Lays, needing to indulge. They see each other and awkwardness ensues. She tired of plastering on a subdued smile, but does.

"Hey."

She wants to run. "Hi."

"You going to Mercedes' new years eve party tonight?"

Kurt told her about it. "I wasn't invited."

She recognizes his frown: perturbed but doesn't know why thus confused. "You should come anyway."

"Maybe," she answers, refusing to let hope percolate. She says goodbye, pushes her cart away, escaping, knowing she won't go to the party, knowing she won't be missed.


	39. MY EVER CHANGING MOODS

She walks into school after the lonely, long holidays feeling _strong_. She's had time to decide Finn was a terrible boyfriend, and the only way to explain his wildly inconsistent nature is undiagnosed long-term memory loss. She blames football.

She's a wonderful girlfriend. Prone to severe bouts of insecurity, yes, but that's largely his fault, she's decided.

She's decided she's too young to form such a strong attachment to someone equally as young in age, far younger in mentality. Not healthy.

She sees him by his locker. Her stomach flips. Her heart thumps _hard_. She curses her own inconsistent nature.


	40. YOU FIGHT TO STAY ALIVE

School _sucks_. Fall semester was good. Now it sucks again. The first two weeks back, he keeps his mouth shut, eyes unfocused. He feels sorta empty. Like a zombie, fake-alive. Sorta like how he felt way back when, before joining glee club.

He knows why he feels this way, of course, but he's ignoring that.

It was easier _waybackwhen_ - he was more popular, he didn't have to do anything complicated, like _think_. Everyone just expected him to throw the football, get drunk, throw eggs. Easy. Zombie Finn had it all.

He's gonna be Zombie Finn again for awhile.


	41. BEYOND THUNDERDOME

He shoves his fullback off the choir room riser. The guy falls on his ass. Everyone's shouting and shoving. He likes it. He _likes_ fighting. He likes shoving and sometimes punching and kicking. He said it. It makes him feel like he's standing up for himself. Like he's in control. Of...something. He'll take that feeling where he can get it. Especially now, especially after that _idiotic_ duet Puck and Rachel just did. He doesn't know if that made him mad, jealous, annoyed, embarrassed, amused, or all of the above. So he shoves Azimio and reasons that makes him a leader.


	42. BATTERED

It hurt when Finn slapped her helmet on her head but she ignored it. He accidentally stepped on her leg with his cleats and that hurt, but she ignored it. She caught him staring at Quinn across the field after the win. That hurt was harder to ignore.

_None_ of that hurt as much as the way he ignored her after Coach Bieste announced the girls could join the team. Not a smile, no "Good idea, Rach!" even though she knew he was excited about it, just...nothing. That HURT. She did it all for _him_ and he cared not a whit.

The cleat marks will heal.


	43. THIS IS A SONG BY THE BLACK KEYS

Kurt yanks his earbud out to tell him of Rachel's plan to bring $100 to his kissing booth tomorrow. She's _crazy_. She can't let it fucking go. He shoves his earbud back in.

"_You wanted it all, but I gave you none..."_

He has to convince her to move on. For his own good.

"_Like a toy to a kid, I said jump and momma you did..."_

For _her_ own good.

"_No it wont...it wont hurt me none..."_

He might know how. He digs through his bedside table drawer. Finds the necklace box wrapped in Santa paper. He has to do it right.

"'_Cuz I'm not the one."_


	44. THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT

She finally eases away, pushing his hands off, stepping back. His eyes flutter open, his brain feeling rewired and fried, a thousand thoughts and feelings pinging as the last colorful sparks fizzle, die. She walks away without a word, her boots thumping on the stage, echoing in the auditorium. A thought sticks, random - her _boots._ Rachel wouldn't wear boots like that, but otherwise, Quinn and Rachel, they kinda dress the same, don't they? The dresses, the cardigans. He thought they were like night and day but the more he thinks about it, the more...the more confused he gets, honestly.


	45. A PRICE ABOVE RUBIES

That other necklace cost $29.99 plus tax at the mall. She bought it on a Sunday. Put it on as she dressed for school on Monday. He kissed her when he saw it. Embraced her. _Claimed_ her. Right here in the hall where they're now standing.

This necklace, he puts on her. _Releasing_ her. Trying to. How much did it cost? Thirty dollars? One dollar? One broken heart? Two? He doesn't seem so heartbroken, just heartless, setting up a _kissing booth_ not twenty feet from her locker. He just seems thoughtless, careless.

She walks away from him. She has to.


	46. I'VE GOT CHILLS THEY'RE MULTIPLYING

He wants to go to Kurt's Warblers thingy at Breadstix, to be a good brother, but can't. Not because he's with Quinn-

_(Are you dating her?)_

He's just busy dying. Stupid Santana. Stupid mono.

_(Stupid you.)_

Rachel will be there, right?

_(Yes, I'll be there.)_

That's good. He's glad she found a friend in Kurt.

_(You were my best friend, Finn.)_

"Were?"

_(Yes, __were__. What are we now?)_

"I dunno."

Her cool hand touches his burning head. "What're you saying?" she murmurs. He smiles up at her, relieved she's back to care for him.

"He's delirious, Carol," he hears Burt say.

Why is Burt calling her Carol?


	47. JUST SASS & TOTS, AS ALWAYS

Rachel finds herself telling Mercedes about her visit to Finn in the nurse's office the other day. When she's finished, Mercedes snaps, "Don't _thank_ that jerk for 'choosing' you! You're not some mutt at the pound. _Thanking_ him? Ugh. Also? Take your head outta your butt and realize _you're_ _beautiful_! As beautiful as Quinn. Almost as beautiful as me! Where'd your spine go, girl? Damn."

She can think of several things that removed her spine over the past year, including the way both Mercedes and Kurt treated her, but instead she nods slowly, answering, "I'm getting it back. I already started."

Mercedes grins. "_Good_. Now let's get some tater tots."


	48. THE RACHEL BERRY SONGBOOK, PAGE 1

You say pretty things/  
And I love you for it/  
You say pretty things/  
And I hate you for it too.

Your words are double-edged/  
Slicing up my fears/  
Your words are double-edged/  
Cutting me right down.

You say you believe in me/  
I believe in that/  
You say you believe in me/  
And I'll thank you for it.

But you don't/  
No you won't/  
No you never did/  
Let anyone know it.

Because you don't/  
No you won't/  
No you never did/  
Stand up.

Stand up/  
Stand up/  
Stand up/  
For me.


	49. WAIT SUBTEXT? WHAT'S THAT?

He knew it - Quinn dresses just like Rachel. _Literally! _When he saw it at school, he got more confused than ever and didn't say shit about it. Now, later, he lies on his bed. _Thinking_. Quinn and Rachel. Rachel and Quinn. In the same clothes. It must mean something...

Nope. He cannot possibly process the moral/ethical/psychological implications of what it means, so instead he reaches into his pants, grabs his dick, and has a good hard wank thinking about a blonde Rachel and a brunette Rachel taking off their sweaters and dancing around in just plaid skirts. Awesome.


	50. OUR HOUR IS ALMOST UP

"I get it. He wants to steal someone, instead of being stolen from. Reclaim his pride. I _don't_ get why he's so ugly and _pitiless _to Sam Evans. To _me_. That's not the boy I know! So I rationalize. He's doing it to push me away so I'll fly free like the diva-bird I am."

"'Diva-bird'..."

"So I'm not tied to him and Lima. But..."

"But?" her therapist leads.

"We sang together for the first time in a while. It was _magic_. He's _special_. He thinks he'll never get out of Lima but doesn't he see? He _can_. Because he's tied to me."


	51. WHEN I GET THAT FEELING I NEED

He wants to have sex with Quinn for these reasons:

1. She never let him before.

2. Puck got to. Why not him?

3. He'd have sex with anyone now. (Not Santana - he's not _that_ desperate.) (Not Tina. She's super boring.)

4. Because he still _really_ wants to have sex with Rachel. Would she let him? She wouldn't be casual about it like Santana, though, would she? No. And he wouldn't be able to be casual about it either.

5. It'd be hot.

6. He wouldn't feel dirty and used.

7. So he can stop thinking about having sex with Rachel.


	52. FINN NEEDS TO BE SLIGHTLY LESS ORGANIZED

She's not paying attention in rehearsal – instead jotting ideas in her songwriting notebook. What rhymes with "effulgent"?

A paper bumps her leg. She looks – Finn's across the aisle. _Sleeping_. Pen dangling from his lips. Hand limp. She's about to give him the page when she sees written across the top: _"I want to have sex w/ Quinn becuase..."_

Her heart stops. Her mouth dries. Her eyes bug_. _She feels _sick_.

But...

"_I still really want to have sex w/ Rachel..."_

But...

"_She wouldn't be cool about it, though..."_

A small voice in her head screams, "I CAN BE COOL ABOUT IT!"

She can be _cool_. She _can_. She _swears_.


	53. FINN KNOWS THE WORD ARCHETYPE?

Kurt and Blaine watch wide-eyed from the back of Finn's car as she drunkenly, but very reasonably, screams at Finn.

"Yeah I admit page _two_ of the Rachel Berry Songbook was bad but it's not like I was gonna sing you page _one_! Know why? 'Cuz it's about you breaking my heart. I know you don't wanna hear it. Maybe I can't be 'cool' about...about _us_ after all 'cuz I'm the needy girl drunk. _You_ are the asinine, hypocritical, rude, jerk-face boy drunk! And you don't even have being _drunk_ as an excuse for the things you said to me! So leave! I'm over you!"

She takes the opportunity to vomit at his feet right then. But with dignity, dammit.


	54. THERE'S SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH HONESTY

Everyone's leaving the choir room but he's re-tying his shoes.

"Did you mean what you said?"

He looks - Rachel's there, arms crossed. Her boobs look _good_. "What'd I say this time?"

She seems briefly annoyed. "Do you really think we'll win Nationals? Even after my headband song?"

He half-smiles. "I meant it." She nods slowly. "I meant it before, too - _before_ before. No more lies, remember? I'll always tell you the truth, Rachel."

"Especially the brutally honest truth that hurts my feelings?"

_Not_ doing that got them into this mess! He just shrugs. "I learned it from you."


	55. FREEDOM IS MINE AND I KNOW HOW I FEEL

Kissing Quinn makes him feel good. She kisses good. She was the first girl he ever _really_ kissed and it was good. He felt good giving her that hickey earlier. Feeling good is good. Feeling good is better than feeling bad. Why not feel good and fuck the rest? The rest - like not really trusting her, not liking himself, not really understanding what he's doing, not caring about being prom king, like the fact she probably made a baby with Puck on this very bed where they're now laying. That makes him feel _bad_. So he's ignoring that.


	56. WHO'S THAT GIRL?

Her mind wanders as she brushes her teeth. Finn (_stop it_). Glee club (_hijacked by Miss Holiday again_). The Tonys (_always_). Celibacy club (_not hard to __choose__ celibacy when no one wants you; harder to choose to believe Quinn really did burn herself_). She remembers first going to celibacy club, when it was more than an adjunct wing of glee ("_Girls want it just as much as guys do_"), the look on Finn's face (_stop_) at her bold, brave statement.

Is she still so bold and brave?

No. Not like she _used_ to be.

She's been broken too many times.


	57. DREAMS ARE JUST THAT

He wakes up from a good dream. What was it? Oh. Now he remembers. His happiness mixes with something else. He feels weird.

He was sorting laundry, failing to separate whites from darks - they all looked the same. Rachel came in, re-sorted everything. She was his _wife_. She said something that filled him with deep, warm love.

Then he woke up.

A spike of determination shoots through him. He should find her at school this morning, tell her, "Rachel, we're gonna end up together anyway so let's stop dicking around already, okay?"

_Yes_.

No.

For a thousand reasons, no.


	58. THE MAGICALLY ENCHANTED TOY BOX

"Have you ever even tried to write a song?" But before he answers, she tells him about her first foray into songwriting. When she was five. She wrote a musical for her stuffed animals. "'The Magically Enchanted Toy Box'. It was about my toys coming to life when I was out of the room."

"Isn't that the plot of Toy Story?"

"Pixar totally ripped me off!" She tells him the whole storyline and sings a bit of a song called "Come Back, Teddy Ruxpin!" and dances around and he's laughing and it's just _good_.

He can't remember anymore why they stopped being _good_ in the first place.


	59. STUPID QUESTIONS STUPID ANSWERS

"Winning Regionals is not going put you and I back where we belong."

He knows the "where" but asks anyway.

"On top."

He knows the"on top of what" but asks anyway. God knows he kissed every girl in school for the same reasons just a few weeks ago! He just does this on purpose with Quinn – plays dumb, plays clueless, asks stupid questions. _Willfully_.

Why?

Why does he keep doing that?

Because he's stupid? No. To piss her off? Not exactly. Because he doesn't want what she wants even though he sometimes does?

Ugh.

Go back.

It's because he's stupid.


	60. IF YOU HAVE TO CRY, GO OUTSIDE

She _does_ do the hard pain. In therapy. And when she sings. But she's not going to admit her hard pain to _Quinn_. Like how much it kills knowing Finn still wants Quinn. Like how much it kills knowing Shelby Corcoran picked _Quinn's_ _baby_ over _her_. To say that bonded them is a fat lie - she wants to guilt-trip the truth out of Quinn. It works.

She nearly doesn't escape that stage in time to hide her tears, her _hard pain_, from Quinn. She'd rather die than show Quinn that. She can't let Quinn Fabray win. She won't.


	61. I'M BALLSDEEP IN LOVE WITH YOU PT 1

Halfway back to Lima, they stop at McDonalds for celebratory soft-serve and commandeer the Playplace. He loves the ball pit. He pops to the surface, right by Rachel. She squeals, laughing. He can't get the image of her on that stage today out of his head. "I'm your biggest fan, you know," he says, meaning it. She blinks, smile fading. Why does that surprise her? "I know someday you'll get everything you want. You just keep doing what you love - what you were _born_ for, I think - like you did today? The rest will fall into place eventually."


	62. I'm BALLS DEEP IN LOVE WITH YOU PT 2

She thinks of Quinn's mean words. But his smile is warm, his eyes warm on her. She doesn't drop her gaze from his. Her stomach flips.

"_Finn._" A sharp voice - Quinn, watching from the slide.

She grabs his arm gently. "Today - _all of it_, really - I couldn't have done any of it without you, Finn." She squeezes, hopes he understands. "You know that, right?" His cheeks flush. Why does that surprise him?

Quinn calls again. She releases his arm but doesn't back away from him, doesn't look away from him.

He'll have to do it first.


	63. BALLOT COUNT

**9:07pm:** Did u vote 4 YORSELF 4 mvp? (I lookd up unanimous)

_**9:13pm:**__ No I DIDN'T vote 4 myself!_

**9:14pm:** Cmon u can tell me. Truth remember?

_**9:15pm:**__ You don't have to remind me, Finn. Truth? I voted for YOU._

**9:17pm:** Srrsly?

_**9:19pm:**__ Srrsly._

_**9:22pm:**__ Sorry-didn't mean to freak you out._

**9:23pm:** U didnt! Thats really cool but i DIDNT deserv it

_**9:24pm:**__ To me, you did._

**9:26pm:** That means alot 2me rach :)

_**9:28pm:**__ I meant it. Going to sleep now. Goodnite!_

**9:29pm:** At 930? Talk 2me!

**9:31pm:** Pllleeeeeeeeez? :)

_**9:35pm:**__ What do u want to talk about?_

**9:36pm:** ...march madness?

_**9:37pm:**__ NO._

**9:38pm:** LOL


	64. DREAM A LITTLE BIGGER, DARLING

"What do you dream about?"

"At night?"

"Like, for the future."

"Being Prom Queen this year, obviously. And next. Going to the Bahamas with my mother, aunt, and cousins this summer."

"No I mean, like...the _future_."

"I don't know... Getting into a good sorority? Passing the real estate exam when we settle down here?"

Did the tornado siren just go off? He swears he can hear it, blaring long and loud. He searches for something not-horrible to say back. "You really want to stay in Lima?"

She smiles sweetly. "Of course, dummy. Don't you?"

He searches for _anything_ to say.


	65. SECOND HAND NEWS

She's ironing her socks Friday night when Kurt calls, his voice guarded. "I have to tell you something."

She sighs. "About Finn and Quinn getting back together?"

He gasps. "How did you know?"

"How did I know that's what you had to tell me? I'm a little psychic, remember? If you mean the other thing...Quinn told me."

"That bitch," Kurt snaps. She can't help but smile. "She was over here tonight. I was _shocked_! I'm going to kill him! Does he have _amnesia_ or something?" He goes on a rant and she doesn't try to stop him. Doesn't want to.


	66. DREAMS?

He waits for Quinn to ask his question back. She doesn't, just fiddles with the radio as they drive back to her house, finally landing on a song.

"_Players only love you when they're playing..."_

Not that he knows how he'd answer. Not anymore. Last year he had dreams – he even applied for that music scholarship at Miss Pillsbury's suggestion.

"_I keep my visions to myself..."_

He never told anyone about that because A) he felt like shit for manipulating Rachel with that bowling date and 2) turned out the scholarship wasn't actually _open _to sophomores! Jesus. They _really_ need a better guidance counselor.

"_Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?"_

Maybe he should apply again.


	67. NEVER GOING BACK AGAIN

Someone arranges a glee bowling night. They remember to invite her - for _that_ she's glad, _not _the bowling. It's been over a year since she last bowled. She never let Finn take her when they dated. Putt-putt, rollerskating, even batting cages, but never bowling, never again.

Finn approaches, wearing a perfect grin and rented shoes, holding a bright pink bowling ball. "Here. I got your ball."

_Her ball_. Her stomach sinks. It _is_ the same one, that black swirl. His grin - the same that lured her here the first time. She takes the ball. She can't say no.


	68. DON'T STOP

Mr. Schue has them sing "Don't Stop" as a vocal warm-up, but without the choreography, which he misses, which is funny because he never thought he'd _miss_ doing choreography, and that has him smiling but since he's looking at Rachel, she smiles back, probably thinking he's smiling at her, but...well, he _is_, isn't he, because it's doing the choreography with _her _that he misses, he realizes, wishing he could reach out to her, touch her, circle her, their signature moves, but he can't because they're _not_ doing the choreography and because Quinn's giving him the hawk eye right now.


	69. GO YOUR OWN WAY

The house across the street is for sale, the real estate agent throwing an open house today, so she goes. The house needs updating, but she watches the agent really work people, trying to make a sale in this depressed market. She wonders if she could be happy doing this one day, selling houses in Lima, her name on a hanging Remax sign (instead of a glowing marquee), building her own agency one day.

There's tightness in the agent's smile, desperation in her tired eyes, as another prospect walks away.

And that really tells Rachel all she needs to know.


	70. SONGBIRD

He stands in the wings as she takes flight on the stage, rehearsing, singing to a track, singing to an empty auditorium. He stood like this not long ago at Regionals, watching her greatest triumph to date, her audience so much bigger that day. Today, her performance is just as big, just as triumphant. And today, his love is just as big - bigger, actually. He loves her, he loves her, he _loves_ her like never before.

He knows the score - his songbird will fly away, bright and beautiful, and his small world grow that much quieter and colorless.


	71. THE CHAIN

When she sees them in the halls together, sitting together, talking together, god-forbid _kissing_, she can usually pretend to be okay _so hard_ that she almost thinks she _is_. Other times, bad days, there ain't enough _pretending_ in all the world and it _hurts_ and all she can hear is his promise to never break up with her and she gets so _angry_. She's not an angry person, she hates feeling angry at him, so she bites it back, swallows it down. But it's there.

Damn your love, Finn, and damn your lies - you broke our chain, not me.


	72. YOU MAKE LOVING FUN

"Where're we going?"

"It's a surprise," she says, starting the car. "It'll be fun."

He hopes it's the batting cages. That's fun. Extra fun when he and Rachel went. She looked cute in a batting helmet. She screamed when the first ball came at her. He couldn't stop laughing. That just pissed her off so she squared up and waited for the next, determined to hit it. She missed the second ball, _nailed_ the third. Homerun. So awesome. That was so fun.

Glancing at Quinn, he sees she's glaring. "What?"

"You realize you said all of that out loud, right?"


	73. I DON'T WANNA KNOW

He gets home early from his _super fun_ date. Quinn got fed up with him in the middle of Michael's Crafts 'cuz he wasn't putting in enough effort picking supplies for prom campaign posters.

So he's stuffing Oreos in his mouth when Kurt corners him, starts telling him all the reasons why he shouldn't be with Quinn again. Then his mom tags in. She's less yell-y about it, but her arguments are the same.

He swallows, gets around her, around Kurt, muttering, "I don't wanna know, okay?"

He doesn't want to hear all their reasons _why not_. He knows them already.


	74. OH DADDY

He brings water. She's bloated but takes a sip anyway.

"I've been meaning to talk to you about your song at Regionals, sweetheart. It was so beautiful, you were so beautiful, and you sang it _so_ beautifully. I was beyond proud. We all get things wrong sometimes, that's just life, and I know you don't tell me everything about school, about your friends, about Finn, but I know, I _know_, they don't treat you as well as they should. That breaks my heart. Listen to me, Rachel. You _do_ get it right - _so much_. It's the rest of the world getting it wrong."


	75. GOLD DUST WOMAN

Mom's been singing this song over and over lately, Kurt sometimes joining. The words are embedded in his brain now. He thinks they're still trying to send him a message.

"_Did she make you cry, make you break down, shatter your illusions of love?"_

Yeah, but Rachel did that too! Worse, even, because he loved...loves her so much more.

"_Rulers make bad lovers. You better put your kingdom up for sale..."_

That's still about Quinn, right? 'Cuz she wants to be prom queen and stuff?

Okay, he gets it. He _gets_ it already!

Doesn't mean he can or will do anything about it.

Yet.


	76. RUMOURS

He hears rumors that Rachel's going to prom with Sam. Which doesn't make sense because Sam and Santana have a thing. Don't they? He's not sure. Still - the rumor makes him want to punch Sam, which even _he_ realizes is bullshitty because he did steal Quinn away from the kid.

Regardless. Punching. Wants to. He's greedy like that.

He also hears rumors she's not going with anyone but in a group. That calms him enough to keep him from punching anything.

He also hears everyone's gonna vote for Lauren Zizes for prom queen. Which makes him secretly very happy.


	77. MY MOM DOESN'T EVEN THINK I'M COOL

He thinks it's really sad and weird that not even their parents or siblings or supposed friends outside of glee like them enough to come to their benefit concert. Or the families of the big choir Lauren arranged for Mercedes' number. Or any family of the orchestra. So many fucking people, yet no one shows but some half-assed hecklers, Kurt, and Blaine? That's _so strange_ to him. Unrealistic, actually.

Wow, he really underestimated how hated they are. It must be Mr. Schuester's fault. He's always shouldering them with retarded ideas and making the club all about fulfilling his own fantasies.

He wishes Miss Holiday would coach glee club.


	78. HOW COLD AND CRUEL IS A MAN

First coming up to her in the hallway together and now this - his arm across the back of Quinn's seat, Quinn leaning into him. It makes her insides and her blood wither and singe like the wick of a candle after it's been blown out. She hides in the wings trying to stand up straight, hold together, not crumble to ash.

She _still_ does not get it. _She never __ever__ will_.

Maybe she over-estimated Finn. Maybe he really _is_ an idiot and that shallow. Maybe he never was the boy she thought he was. Maybe she should stop pretending he's someone he's not.


	79. HEY REMEMBER SEAN FRETTHOLD?

"Did you go through the five stages of grief?"

"Sure," Sean says.

"I've been through all of them after Finn broke up with me. Denial, anger. I still have both sometimes. Then bargaining. Depression. But now I think I'm at the end – acceptance. He's with Quinn. He doesn't love me. I've accepted it. I'm moving on. Quinn and I are even friends."

His eyebrow goes up.

"Well...no. But I've accepted it. And she's helping me out."

"Rach... Your way of 'accepting it' seems to be changing your nose to be just like _Quinn's_. Which is just so..."

"What?"

"It's totally fucked up. You know that, right?"


	80. HE ONLY HAD ONE EYE, TOO

"I picked a Sammy Davis, Jr. song. He was black _and_ Jewish."

He glances at Rachel. She's paying attention. Good.

"Even though he was a star, back in the 50's and 60's, with all the prejudice and stuff? It musta been hard to have confidence sometimes. To just be _himself_, no matter what _anyone_ said."

He glances at her again. She's not looking at him, a faraway look on her face.

"I think this song is perfect for me, too, even though I'm not black or Jewish. Maybe you'll think it's perfect for you, too."

He's talking too much. The song can do that for him, and better. He just wanted say all this out loud.

She looks up now, catching his eye. He hopes she knows he means every word.


	81. TROUTY MOUTH SPEAKS

They're all eating fruit snacks after rehearsal, Mr. Schue gone to chase Mrs. Pillsbury or something, and everything's cool.

Until Sam suddenly just _unloads_.

"Yo, Finn. Shouldn't your tshirt say 'douchebag' or 'asshole' or 'coward' instead of 'can't dance'? 'Can't dance' is a cop-out, I-M-O."

Everyone goes _silent_. Is Sam, like, _joking_?

"I guess to accept it, you have to _acknowledge_ it first, right? Can you acknowledge you're a massive douchebag?"

Not joking.

His ears ring. His face scorches. He finds his voice, his dick. "I'm gonna kick your ass, Evans!"

Sam just shrugs, almost a challenge. "Like Santana says, I'm just keeping it real."


	82. TROUTY MOUTH 2: THE RECKONING

"Do you think I'm a douchebag?"

She seems to wrestle with an answer. "I could never think that," she says softly. "But I can't say I understand why you-why you betrayed Sam. The way you did."

He reads between the lines.

"But you've been more confident lately," she adds. "You called me beautiful in front of everyone. This isn't about me - I'm just saying. You seem sure of yourself. I guess being with Quinn inspires you to be a better man. I'm glad."

She closes her locker, mumbles something about class, walks away before he can reply. Not that he _could_. Because he's pretty sure _she's_ the one inspiring him to be a better man. Not Quinn.


	83. BETTY AND VERONICA

He remembers reading moldy-smelling Archie comics at Puck's house in grade school and thinking it would be rad to have two hot girls like Betty and Veronica throwing themselves at him all the time. Sweet, blonde Betty. Haughty brunette Veronica. Archie's dick a divining rod leading him back and forth between the two.

Oh _shit_.

Sweet, blonde Quinn. _Not _so sweet inside or out. Not really blonde.

Haughty brunette Rachel. Sometimes haughty but sweeter than cake inside. Brunette.

His dick has a harder time making up its mind than his _mind_ has making up its mind!

_He's Archie!_

_And Archie was a douchebag!_


	84. DON'T PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH

He's a lot lost in thought when he drops off Rachel after their stakeout thingy. He knows Rachel suggested it as a reason to get him alone. She was sitting really close. She's not subtle. He was comfortable enough to admit he doesn't know why he got back with Quinn because Rachel's hair smelled like truth serum. And, yes, he should really ask Kurt what the fuck is going on when he gets home tonight. But what has his wheels creaking is what Rachel said about forgiving your first love anything. As usual, he didn't say anything, but she's wrong thinking that applies to him and Quinn. Maybe she was talking about herself.


	85. DON'T WANNA STAND BETWEEN YOU AND LOVE

They're _holding hands_? She knows from her research into the assignment that Nicks and Buckingham came up with this song _before_ Fleetwood Mac, when they were starry-eyed lovebirds trying to make it together in L.A. Is this performance a metaphor for Finn and Quinn still being lovebirds, despite the fact Quinn is clearly cheating with the newly bi-sexual Sam? Despite the fact they have _zero_ chemistry performing together? Because if it's _not _a metaphor, why is Finn okay doing a duet with that toneless cheater when he wouldn't even let her sing a Christmas song last winter? Shouldn't he be more devastated? Why isn't he _devastated_? Does he love her _that_ _much_? Why is he holding her close now? _Ugh!_


	86. TELL ME WHY EVERYTHING TURNED AROUND

"No more songs with Rachel" could cover "no playing drums on Rachel's songs", but apparently Finn feels like standing up to that girl (for a change). It _should_ be a duet, though. (Not _too_ much standing up.) They're on a break, drinking juice, when she _has_ to ask, "Why are you doing this?"

He shrugs. "Killer drums. I play it on Rock Band a lot." Sometimes he's a brick wall. "I don't like ultimatums."

Ah. (He knows that word from his Bourne trilogy DVD set, she knows.) "I did the same thing once. With football."

"You apologized, you sang me that song. You were... Amazing. I don't think Quinn will apologize, though."

Sometimes the boy is a sieve.


	87. DID ANYONE REALLY THINK SAM WAS BI?

They're almost back to her house when she says, "Well, I'm glad it worked out. Not glad Sam is poor, glad Quinn isn't cheating on you."

"You don't think it'd be karma?"

"It would've been cruel."

He fights the urge to interrogate her about why _she_ did it. He doesn't want to backtrack. "Don't you think it's odd Sam asked his ex to babysit, though?"

"I'd do the same for you, if you needed it."

"You can babysit Kurt anytime you want." She laughs so he does too. "You would've told me what you were up to in the first place, though, right?"

"It wasn't Quinn's secret to tell, but yes. I would've."

For that, he gives her a big hug when he drops her off and is glad he didn't ruin the ride with an interrogation.


	88. KILLING HER SOFTLY

He's trying to tell her something important without being, y'know, _direct_. Complaining about getting a tux and a corsage – well, she's supposed to hear how he doesn't want to be with Quinn anymore under all that stuff. But she doesn't seem to hear that. She gives him advice and walks away, crying.

It's then he realizes how he sounded, in actuality. She says "you're killing me" and he then _whines_ about trying to please Quinn. Way to stick the knife in deeper, Hudson. Thumbs up.

He shoves past Jacob Ben Israel, who's hovering nearby for some reason, and curses his idiot self with every lumbering step.


	89. STANDARD APTITUDE

Normally, he'd be wolfing this lasagna, stuffing garlic bread down, but Quinn nixed the bread (didn't want him breathing on her all night) and the lasagna tastes like glue because he can see Rachel going gooey for Jesse Shit Fuckface, dazzled by whatever he's yapping about, and he just _does not get _why Rachel wants thatjerkagain_, _after what he did to her. He will_ never __ever_get it.

And then he almost chokes because something dawns on him, like some kind of horrible PSAT question:

Jesse is to Finn as BLANK is to Rachel.

He knows this one. Unfortunately.

QUINN. As QUINN is to Rachel.

Oh god.


	90. MY BODY IS A CAGE

_My body is a cage..._

Quinn's arms around his neck are heavy, unbreakable, locking him in a lackluster shuffle.

_...that keeps me from dancing with the one I love..._

He's staring again but Rachel's not, her anguished song over. Fuckface twirls her. They move well, matching steps, equally trained.

_I'm standing on a stage of fear and self-doubt..._

Quinn jerks on his giant bowtie, perfectly matched to her. "We're going to win, babe. I know it."

_It's a hollow play but they'll clap anyway..._

Fuckface hoovers Rachel's neck.

_Set my body free..._

He breaks from Quinn. He has to.

_Set my body free..._

He pushes Fuckface. He has to. Rachel's cries don't reach him.

_Set my spirit free..._


	91. DON'T BRING ME DOWN TO YOUR LEVEL

She doesn't know:

1. _Why_ she runs after Quinn.

2. Why she's quick to forgive getting smacked. Drama-appreciation aside, it's probably because she _expected_ that vicious shoe to drop eventually.

3. Why Quinn thinks she lost because people supposedly knew Finn would rather be with _her_. No one pays them _that_ much attention! She doesn't correct Quinn with the truth: she didn't win because she's a bitch.

4. What else Quinn has to offer other than "pretty", to be honest.

She knows:

1. She feels sorry for the girl she used to think so far above her.

2. She's not letting Quinn, Finn, Jesse, _anyone_ ruin her night, period.


	92. Y'ALL WATCH TOO MANY CHICK FLICKS

Fuckface drives off before he can properly pummel him. He sits outside, waits for someone to come check on him. Quinn. Rachel.

No one comes.

He wants to leave. There's an afterparty at Santana's, they're all supposed to go, but he already ruined Quinn's night, Rachel's, so ditching them-_Quinn_ won't ruin it more.

He could go to Rachel's, wait there, talk to her.

He didn't get to sing during the dance because Quinn kiboshed that like she did his garlic bread. He _really_ wanted to sing. Do what Rachel did – communicate to her in song. He picked a song, even. He sings it now, quietly.

"She's got a way about her. I don't know what it is, but I know that I can't live without her..."

He won't go to Rachel's, though. He can't sing that song to her. This isn't, like, _The Notebook _or whatever.


	93. TROUTY MOUTH 3: LINTY CONDOM

Rachel and Quinn ignore him. They're even _friendly_ with each other – WTF? Then Fuckface shows with tequila. So he retreats to Santana's laundry room with a beer. Sam finds him.

"No matter how big a creeper that Jesse kid is, what you did? Not cool, man. You're trying to keep her in your back pocket so she'll be there when you're ready to take her out and use her. You _can't do_ _that_ to her."

"You weren't here last year. That guy... I'm watching out for her. I'm her friend."

"_I'm_ her friend, too. _I'm_ watching out for her, too."


	94. COMPLEX EMOTICONS

_**3:38am**__ Im sorry Rachel, SO sorry_

She should've muted her phone before bed.

_**3:41am**__ I didnt mean 2 ruin yor nite_

Does he _ever_ mean what he does?

_**3:45am**__ Im sorry for alotta things_

And he can't say this to her face because...?

_**3:47am**__ R we still friends? I hope so_

Of course they are, but she feels like... What? _What_?

_**3:50am**__ U looked buaetiful 2nite, i wanted 2 tell u but_

_But_? "I was too big a coward"?

Now she knows how she feels. Like she's really not sure she wants him back anymore. Maybe down the road, but right now...

_**3:55am**__ R u there?_


	95. IN IT TO LOSE IT

"Rachel and I should sing a duet. We killed it last year at Regionals with 'Faithfully.'" He says it like he breathes - instinctive. A little caveman instinct, too, 'cuz he just can't help it when Fuckface is around.

"Yeah. It killed _us_," Quinn says coolly. "We lost."

He gives her a look. She rolls her eyes. Jesus, he really doesn't know why she hasn't dumped him yet. That fight at prom? She's over it? What about her retarded "no singing with Rachel" ultimatum? He's thrown it in her face _twice_. Does that mean he's _winning_, or that she's _weak_? Why does neither option sound good to him?


	96. LIMA GOOD

He walks away. She's utterly disappointed. And angry. At herself because she didn't defend him in glee when Jesse mocked him. Though... Not to be petty, but how many times has she been in that position? Mostly she's angry at Quinn. Noah confessed once that Quinn didn't want him as baby-daddy because he'd always be a Lima Loser, in Quinn's opinion. Now Quinn's assigned Finn the role of Lima Loser forever, like a total _hypocrite_, dragging him down.

It just makes her so _mad_!

She's dug bloody crescents into her palms. She unclenches her fists, takes a breath. If he wants to be only "Lima good", only "Quinn good", well... It's his life.


	97. SOMETHING MISSING

"We need to quit glee club," Quinn announces.

"Um."

She starts in on Rachel and ultimatums and junk. Truthfully, he's not listening. He has a chocolate fountain to track down. He's too _busy_ for her crazy and her dead weight. Putting Fuckface in his place, doing all this makes him feel _good_ (as good as planning a funeral can, anyway). _Good_ like when he rescued Artie from a locked Port-a-Potty and told off Puck and everybody. _Good_ like getting the team to throw together a last minute number at Sectionals last year. Just _good_. Maybe not New York good but good nonetheless.

Quinn's waiting for an answer. He gives it to her.

"No."


	98. FOREVER MORE

It was a Wednesday. She hadn't been slushied, New Directions was back from the dead, and their inaugural performance of "Don't Stop Believing" from the previous afternoon was still ringing in her ears. She was on her way to English when - _ohmygod there he was_. She came around the corner, probably staring like a _freak_, but his eyes lit up. He stood up a little straighter. Time stopped, her heart stopped, when he smiled at her.

Every day before that, she'd been invisible. _But now he saw her_.

"Hey," he said. She was a goner.

It's a Wednesday now, too. She still sees it like it was yesterday, not close to two years ago. She opens her eyes to the bright stage lights. She continues her song.


	99. YOU'RE A GOOD EGG, CHARLIE BUCKET

"Do you like the new version or the old version of Willy Wonka?" Rachel asks as they paint papier-mâché toadstools.

"Old," he answers immediately. "That trippy tunnel with the millipede? Badass."

"I always identified a little too much with Veruca Salt." She pouts, shouting in a pretty convincing English accent, "But _daddy_! I want it _now_!"

Oh shit. That was _so_ perversely hot.

He coughs, squirms. "I'd be the boy trapped in the TV. I always sat too close when I was playing video games and mom used to say one day I'd fall in and get stuck."

She smiles. "No," she muses, "you're Charlie Bucket. The good-hearted boy from humble beginnings who wins the whole world in the end. That's you."

He stares at her, red paint dripping on his shoes, and she stares back, her big brown eyes like taffy around his heart, tugging on it, pulling him in, like they always do. He's falling in.


	100. PEREGRINES

He waits. Lot of thoughts ping inside his head.

Oddly, he keeps thinking about fifth grade, a unit they did on birds. He got peregrine falcons. His mom took him to see trained peregrines, these awesome, beautiful birds with tethers around their legs, hoods over their eyes. It didn't sit right with him. He started to cry a little.

His mom took him to the state park the next weekend to see wild peregrines. Tired, legs covered in wet leaves, they were about to give up when finally he saw a flutter of wings, catching sight of a peregrine swooping up to her nest. He stared through the binoculars and saw two of them, a male and female. Mates. Mates for life. He heard high-pitched chirping and knew they had some babies. This time his tears weren't because he was sad. He was happy, moved by those awesome birds free to fly, live, love, no hoods keeping them in check, no tethers around them but the one nature intended.

He's crying now, too. Quinn's coming, climbing into the truck. He swipes at his tears but they just won't stop.


	101. FUNERAL FLOWERS

He wants to tell Rachel he broke up with Quinn. He's not sure what to say exactly. He wants to open the door on the idea of getting back together. If she can forgive him. He doesn't want her thinking she's second best, though, because she's _not_.

There's a pink flower in a pile of leftover flowers Kurt's arranging into bouquets for Jean's friends at the nursing home. It's so pretty. That bright pink is Rachel's favorite.

He plucks the flower off the table and takes it to his room in a glass of water. Tomorrow, he'll talk to Rachel and he'll do it _right_.


	102. EFFERVESCENCE

She can still taste Jesse's coconut lip balm mixing with her own peppermint gloss – not in a pleasant way. She felt...she felt _what_ when he kissed her? Fireworks? Butterflies?

Finn walks into the choir room, the last to arrive for this emergency meeting, and suddenly her whole body feels _fizzy_, erupting into a million tiny bubbles. Their eyes meet, his plaid shirt brushes her arm as he edges past, so close. That light touch shoots fizzy bubbles along her bare skin. She doesn't see but _feels_ him take a seat behind her.

Now she knows how she felt when Jesse kissed her. Like she was cheating.


	103. YOU SAY HELLO, I SAY GOODBYE

She's _super_ excited - he gets it, though he ain't no city boy. He thought she'd been here, like, every summer with her dads, seeing everything. Seems like that's not the case. He knows Broadway is her _thing_. How does she not know Cats is closed? She really let some guy swipe her card through his butt-crack, _seriously_? Not even _he_ would fall for that! He's so confused.

Then it hits him, like that taxi nearly just hit him – she's a _small-town girl_, living in the lonely world of Lima. But Lima can never hold her.

He can already feel it – she's pulling away.


	104. FUNERAL FLOWERS PT 2

He felt like a fucking moron, like a _child_, holding that limp pink flower after she walked off with Fuckface. He threw the flower in the trash just outside the auditorium doors. His face burned.

He clutches this bouquet, explosive and fresh, in his clammy hand and feels like a fucking moron, like a child. He's making up a lame-ass lie so she won't think this is a real date. He should be a _man_, he should just _tell_ her, but...

If he pretends this is about writing songs, then maybe he won't feel so bad for trying so hard to hold onto her.


	105. CARICATURE

"I like the way you dream so big. I don't know how to do that."

And it hurts because she's ripped in two parts by his simple, honest statement.

Part one loves him _so much_, she just wants to slap him for thinking himself so very small and simple, pretending he doesn't have dreams.

Part two is so _tired_. Tired of dreaming for him, believing in him, if he won't do those things for himself. Tired of trying to pull him up with her love. He's so heavy. Too heavy. She just can't.

She's not sure which part is bigger.


	106. MIRRORBALL

_And the street is singing with my feet._

They're nowhere near their hotel. He doesn't care.

_We make the moon our mirrorball._

Their steps in sync, Rachel's head on his shoulder, they dance through the darkened city.

_The streets an empty stage, the city sirens violins._

He has to give Quinn credit – her idea of the city writing the songs for them was romantic and real (if not practical).

_I was looking for someone to complete me... _

He looks at the girl on his arm and she says being here is like falling in love, over and over again.

_...Not anymore, dear._

She's right.


	107. HUDSON RIVER ROOM, 4AM

Writing, arranging, rehearsing, choreographing two numbers _the night before the motherfucking biggest competition of their lives_? Great plan, Mr. Schue, thumbs up! Paging Dustin Goolsby, paging Dustin Goolsby...

He's _exhausted_. Frustrated. Regretting his song. He put _everything_ into it, words written in his heart's blood, and his partner won't even _look_ at him! That _thing_ they have when they perform together, it's gone.

"Once more, guys. With _feeling_," Mr. Schue demands, frustrated too.

This time, he touches her flat belly as they circle each other. She's not expecting it. Her eyes fly up to his and _BAM_, there it is - _magic_. For half a verse. Then she drops her gaze and it's gone again and they're still so far apart.


	108. SUPERMAN

She's _not_ pretending, though, that's the thing. She's not pretending she doesn't love him – he knows she does. She's not pretending she doesn't want to get back together – she admitted as much, so did he. She's sure as hell not pretending her dreams aren't super important.

But then-

But then they-

He tastes like chocolate croissants from room service and coffee with cream and Starbursts and home and _Finn_.

And she can't pretend time and the whole spinning planet didn't just _stop_.

And she can't pretend he might not just be more important than anything else in her life.


	109. CABIN PRESSURE

Everyone _hates_ him. No one's talking. American Airlines doesn't fly Dayton-New York non-stop and it woulda been much faster to take a bus. He's _still_ waiting for Quinn to rain a shitstorm on him with her mysterious "big plans". His lap belt is too tight and he can't fix it. They didn't serve drinks in those cute plastic airplane cups. He didn't get a SkyMall. He's catching a cold.

The small smiles Rachel keeps giving him, the way her hand squeezes his, her thumb running over his knuckles, _trying_ to reassure him... It just makes him feel so much worse.


	110. THE TOURIST

She's a flower, soft and blooming, her ruffled dress silky under the arm holding her flush against him as she sleeps. His gaze moves from her rising and falling breasts to his nightstand, where his souvenir snowglobe sits. He bought it almost as soon as they got to Times Square, his first purchase as a tourist. All those big big city dreams made small enough to fit in his hand. He's still sorry for ruining her dream there. He's sorry about a lot of things he hasn't yet apologized for. He's sorry he didn't get to see her sing on a real Broadway stage – that was a dream she and Kurt shared together, but _his_ dream is to see her on that stage, owning it, a star.

He knows his dream will come true, he'll see it one day. Hopefully not just as a tourist, visiting. Hopefully as something more.


	111. WORKING ON OUR NIGHT MOVES

She imagined things going differently once he became hers again. Cuddling during a screening of Midnight In Paris. Picnics in the park. Dates at Color Me Mine. She _didn't_ imagine waking up in his bed, in his arms, after inadvertently having her first orgasm against his thigh on the very first day of summer vacation.

He's awake. His eyes drop from his nightstand to lock with hers, his fingers toying with a ruffle on her dress. He smiles, adorably and adoringly, and her love for him is seismic - despite his propensity for inconsistency and his severe bouts of insensitivity. He's far from ideal and she has one foot out the door; objectively, she knows she can't put much stock in them being together forever. But if they aren't...well, she's learned a lot in the past few months. She'll carry on.

But for right now...

She reaches up, touches his cheek. They kiss like lovers, losing some of their awkward teenage moves. And right now everything is right now.

* * *

**The end.**

* * *

A/N: Thanks very much for reading. Thank you jay-sus, it's finally over! Peace out, y'all.


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